(no subject)

I write a lot about you, bc writing helps me get out what i feel, &you're always on my mind. I think it's bc i'm still in love with you. Which i don't think i'll every be able to be over you. Idk why you're so special to me. I was thinking today, &it might be bc i could tell you everything, have so much fun with you when we bearly did anything, you always made me laugh, you made me feel special, you were real to me, &you were always there for me. you were so much to me at that time, you still do mean a lot to me, but i feel like i couldn't tell you that or you'd just think i was stupid. I wonder if i should just tell you how i feel about you still. I wonder if it would just turn you away completely or make you come back. But then again, i'm scared, i'm scared that if we do end up getting back together, that it'd be different &idk. idk even know what i'm trying to say right now. it all just kinda comes out as one.
&another thing, i'm debating if i should go back to you &lose my virginity to you. we always promised eachother that we'd be eachothers first, bc we used to be those little teenagers in love saying how we'd be together forever, (but that's another story to vent) anyway, i don't know if i should. i'm scared i'll regret it. &of course, it'd make me even more attached to you, but then again, i want it to be that same way with you, i honestly would love if you were attached to me. but, what if it didn't work like that, &i'd be the one attached &you'd be like "okay, now i've lost my virginity, i can go fuck more girls" ...i'd hope not. so i keep telling my self that it won't be that way. honestly, i'm just one really confused girl, that will always have mixed feelings about you. i'm scared to move on, &idk if i want to. like i do, but then again, i don't.
BLAHH! i'm done talking about it for the night. i feel bipolar when it comes to you.