(no subject)

I'm so tired of crying all the time. I'm so tired of feeling like shit. I hate myself. I hate my appearance, I hate my past, I hate what I've become. I always thought when I was little that I'd have it all as I got older. I'd have happy parents, loving brothers, good grades, a great boyfriend..I'd have a dream. But my mom's drug addiction cancelled those plans. I grew up quick, and I grew up mean. I made alot of good friends but blew them all off for the people who could get me what I wanted. I was matured at age 9. I hated my mom for being an addict and cheating on my dad. I vowed I would never talk to her again at age 11. But she's clean and sober now and she's happy with the guy she loves. My dad is with a monster and he's miserable. I love him to death but he put the girlfriend before my brothers and I so I knew I couldn't stay. I've became my own worst enemy. I smoke pot with my brother, he's my ride or die. I trip on shrooms with my stoner friends. I swallow 15 benadryl to feel a thrill. I get so drunk that I puke and blackout. I scar my wrists with bloody lines of hatred. I just want out of this world. I want to be the girl that nobody remembers. I just want to forget. Death is knocking. The key is under the mat.