I'm so tired of crying all the time. I'm so tired of feeling like shit. I hate myself. I hate my appearance, I hate my past, I hate what I've become. I always thought when I was little that I'd have it all as I got older. I'd have happy parents, loving brothers, good grades, a great boyfriend..I'd have a dream. But my mom's drug addiction cancelled those plans. I grew up quick, and I grew up mean. I made alot of good friends but blew them all off for the people who could get me what I wanted. I was matured at age 9. I hated my mom for being an addict and cheating on my dad. I vowed I would never talk to her again at age 11. But she's clean and sober now and she's happy with the guy she loves. My dad is with a monster and he's miserable. I love him to death but he put the girlfriend before my brothers and I so I knew I couldn't stay. I've became my own worst enemy. I smoke pot with my brother, he's my ride or die. I trip on shrooms with my stoner friends. I swallow 15 benadryl to feel a thrill. I get so drunk that I puke and blackout. I scar my wrists with bloody lines of hatred. I just want out of this world. I want to be the girl that nobody remembers. I just want to forget. Death is knocking. The key is under the mat.

 To an average guy, losing his virginity to ANYBODY is a very proud moment. They got laid, they have something to brag about to their buddies, they don't have that lame "virgin" title anymore. But to an average girl, losing her virgintity is supposed to be special. They don't want everybody and their brother to know the day after. It adds a major emotional attachment to the guy they lost it to and its a physcological fact that even if they fall in love with another guy 30 years after losing their virginity they'll never lose complete feelings for the guy who took it. Personally, losing my virginty was NOT candle lights and jazz music. It was a drunk blurr. I was taken advantage of by someone much older. I was a hit and run, and I know that. But the hardest part is accepting that the person you love will never love you back. They say "love is blind" and it must be, because after everything that happened the night i lost my virginity, after the huge age gap... I still love this guy. And I find it hard even now to date. Even though he's not, I feel like maybe [the guy I love] would be heart broken to know I'm with someone else. It just feels wrong. But you know what, love him or not, I know I deserve better. I know I can DO better. But the fact is, I don't want to. 

 Whenever I feel sad, I write. I feel like it's my own
little therapy session. But  I don't get judged. I don't feel
scrutinized under the eyes of a therapist who probably has more
problems than me. I get the fact that some people do get help from
therapy but I personally feel like it's one more person to look
down on you. Me, being the paranoid fuck that I am, feel as if the
therapist thinks bad thoughts about you in their head. And in my
opinion, everybody has their own issues. It makes me feel guilty
just having someone listen to me rant for hours and they can't rant
back, even though they get paid to do so. Going to a therapist
makes me think of being in a nail salon. All those little chinese
people talk a different language and I feel like they sit there and
say to each other "this one has dirty nails" or "ohh look at her
oddly shaped feet". I guess that's an insecurity of mine, but
either way I don't like knowing people can talk or think thoughts
about me without me knowing what their saying. Thank god for
writing.