so i just got rid of this problem...and now he's back

so i finally just got over gunnar....and i talked to him today. he logged on to i.m. so i sent him a message. all i said was "i hate you" . didn't know that was invitation for him to be a key object in my life once again. i don't know how it happened but i guess we're talking again. i asked if he ever meant it when he said he loved me and he said yes, every time. and i believe him. he said he still loves me and hopes that i still love him too. and i do. its kind of hard not to. i still think about him occasionaly, and wanna punch people whenever they say "kinky", and i cry almost everytime i hear our song. so yes, i still love him. i asked him why he ignored me for so long and all he said was his phone broke. although i knew that wasn't the only reason, i decided not to press it, because i don't need to give him a reason to lie to me. i understand that we can't see eachother, and it not his fault. i also know that he's going to date people if i like it or not. its no big. i'll get over it. i just need to know that he still loves me.

i told him i missed talking to him, and he said he missed me too. then he told me to call him, and i was still kinda irked so i just said i'd text him, cuz ash was SUPPOSED to be at my house fer like....four or five days, but her mom didn't want to bring her just cuz she didn't tell her happy birfday. oh well. so i just called him. the phone rang and rang and i expected what i always got...his voicemail. but he actually answered. he said he was at walmart then hung up on me. he called me back and asked why i hung up on him, and i said that he hung up on me. and he said that he had no reason to hang up on me, so i just ignored it. we talked fer like...idk....ten minutes? then i said i had to go. usually this would've been where we both say the l-word, and then hang up. but this time was different. this time, there was nothing. so i just said bye, and he did the same. and then it struck me that, we might be "starting over". i don't want to go through all of that again. why can't we just start where we left off?

i honestly miss him. i really do. but i dont want to be hurt agian. i can't tell kelsey i talked to him agian, cuz she wouldn't understand. she'll just bitch me out for accepting his apology, but what else was i supposed to do? just sit here and hate the one person i've ever actually loved? no...thats not do-able. so i guess i'll just see if he calls me tomorrow night, or at all this week if i'm lucky. he has my number now so im not gonna go fer the "i lost ur number" thing again. god...i have no idea shwhat tha fuck is going on anymore. gah... i just wanna get marching band over wif fer the year, and go to b.o.a. in indianapolis and see garrett. then i wanna go to chicago and see my sean. and then MAYBE go to washington and see connor after i graduate. is this so much to ask? why does everyone haf to make my life so fucking complicated? i finally get rid of all my problems, and now they're back, and new ones are appearing along with them. i hate this game....it blows.

peyton