Fresh

I've done this before. I've tried this before and failed.  I get so 'determined' that this is exactly what I need, but failed like I always had.  But I think that might be because of the intentions I had behind why I tried this in the first place....I wanted people to find it, not just people, but people I know.  I don't want people I know to see this.  I want complete strangers, if they choose, to read this, to comment, to do nothing at all.  I feel like if I don't put into words what is going on in my head I might never get it out or figure out what it is that is all built up inside of me.

I don't want to start to heavy, everyone does that...I just want to 'get to it'. I'll get to it, I don't know when, but it'll come when it should.  So I'll start with the right now, in this moment.  I'm kinda feeling blank, I don't feel happy or sad, but empty isn't the right term...it's blank. I'm not sure how I should feel, or how I want to feel. [ Because I believe that we choose how we're going to feel...to a certain extent of course, but we really are the choosers of what's going on in our life.  If you're down you can go up, if you're mad you can deal and get calm...you choose, we choose. Screw what others say...no really, we all say it, but if we did it and realized its never going to be 'perfect' we could get on with ourselves and move on] ....I'm not sure where I was going with this, and maybe thats my problem: that I don't have the attention span to figure out what it is I'm trying to say.  Maybe that's not the problem at all. What am I trying to say?  It's just a bunch of jumble. [Welcome to my head...24/7, no attention span, just a lot of stuff floating around in there]  Focus: (my definition) being about to concentrate on the task at hand for the time needed to complete the task.  In all reality, I'm not sure if I ever do that...I get bored way too easily.  I'm getting like that now with this journal/blog/diary [ way too many terms for the same thing] I want to do this, but I can't keep my thoughts straight and I get bored with it already.  Not bored, but when I don't focus I lose track of what I'm doing and I don't want to take the time to get back on track.[ A lot of my problems could come from that...I guess this might work after all...if I can manage to stick to it. ]

I feel complete now, the jumble in my head is now jumble in textual form. I'm good.

Goodbye