Holiday Dread

I find myself right at Christmas and just full of dread. I've managed to avoid one family gathering thus far. Just didn't want to be around them. Not really mad at anyone, just didn't want the interaction. I still don't have my gifts wrapped. It's been a struggle to 'get into' the Christmas spirit. I've not told a soul hardly. Just kept it under my hat. Things are easier this way.

I try to throw myself into helping others but don't have the energy and don't much want to help myself lately. I'm just blah right now. I have much to be thankful for and I know that things could be much worse. Some pretty bad things have happened to a couple of people I care greatly about right at Christmas. I've been sad for them. I've just lost interest in anything productive. I can't quite explain myself.

I try to focus on things I may enjoy but my attention usually doesn't last long at all. I don't understand it, but I guess it will pass in time. I just want the holiday to be over. That is all. I have found I miss my Dad a lot right now. I've been really sad about that...but never in the presence of anyone else. I've only told one person about that and only because she's missing her Dad. He died nearly a year ago.

I fear these things in my head. I mean I don't want to hurt a soul, but I don't want to reach the point that my Mother, Uncle and Grandmother have. Mental illness sucks. That's all I know....