Since Last Time

Good Mornin-

Since I last reported, I did manage to get that interview I'd hoped for. I felt it went well and they said they'd hoped to make a decision on this past Fri. I heard nothing. But in the interview, I was asked if necessary if I'd be willing to come back for a 2nd interview also and I said 'yes'. So, I'm not sure what that means....I was so hoping for this one. The job similarities are uncanny. I'd be closer to home. Get some gas monies. It sounds like it's right up my alley.

But the girl behind me is a colleague and she has more education for sure, but not sure about experience. Had a sick feeling she probably got it. Not only that, she's getting to interview next month for a job I've begged to just get an interview for and can't. So, needless to say I'm discouraged. I dread going back to work and it's not even the work that makes me dread it.

I have this boss whom I've caught in lies, likes to manipulate what she's told and her subordinates and I trust her as far as I can throw the building I work in. I don't like feeling like I'm always in trouble with her and I don't do anything without running it by her. But no matter what, I feel inadequate and I just flat out hate the work environment. Not trying to be a 'negative nelly', just speaking the truth.

I've prayed, cried and did all I have the power to in order to go elsewhere and it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm going to eventually get training in something p/t so that I can at least have some extra income and eventually have a skill that will get me out of there once and for all. I'm just not sure what exactly I'll do yet as I have a couple of options. I'm just so down from this. But meanwhile, I'll keep my head down and work.

I've been trying to work harder on thinking positive and having faith in myself, but that's not even enough. I know I have some transferrable skills. What am I doing wrong? I didn't ask for this stupid move that creates a 2 hr/day commute and I've been cooperative. I'm just sick of the head games. Just want to do my work, be left alone and go home at the end of the day. I have really grown to resent this dept. and hindsight, I would've held out for another office in what I used to do instead or another dept. all together.

Something has to give and soon. I'm just so frustrated. Lord, if your listening, please forgive my bad attitude. Please forgive my frustration, anger and lack of trust. Please show me how to get a good job that is closer to home. Please make it abundantly clear. I would like to continue to help others but I feel in my heart and gut that where I am isn't it. Please help me help myself so that I can continue to help others. I can't do this without you.

I know we're not supposed to ask for things for ourselves and you know normally I don't do that straight out the gate. But you are the only one I put all my trust and faith into that can help me find the way. I just need help. Please help me. In your name, Amen.