Afraid

As it rains outside, I'm afraid of what the future holds. I get like this from time to time. I have done so well in maintaining emotionally until today. I feel like this is as far as my life will take me. I feel like I may be wasting time in having faith that things will get better. My head and my heart wage a battle of what seems like the never ending debate of is it all worth it? I don't want to end my life persay, I just don't want much to do with the one I have. I've survived a family member committing suicide and I would NOT do that. It was 2 months of hell. Nursing someone back from the dead- literally. Fighting with medical staff to get basics done. I just don't have much fight in me left. I want what others want...a life. I currently feel detached from everyone and everything in it. I feel like my termination from my job was some kind of carma finding me. Maybe this is God's way of saying, 'this is what you deserve and now it's your time to deal.' I don't know. I just feel like a failure. I used to have faith in my ability and the world. I don't have much of anything in me today but mere breath in my body. I can only hope for tomorrow to be a better day. It's all I have left... hanging my hopes on tomorrow. :(