Down

Last week at work was good...primarily because my lying, conniving supervisor wasn't there. I enjoy my work for the most, but I honestly am to the point where I'm desperate to get out of the perverbial 'den of thieves'. I found out while on vacation she chose to discuss me openly with coworkers and she feels I fear her and am intimidated by her.

Well, here's the truth. I don't trust her. She's lied and asked several of us to do things that could compromise us and our jobs. She says things to be hurtful and attempt to throw around authority and she knows who she aims at. I once had great respect for her because in the beginning I felt her intent was good.

I'm just tired of being fucked with. It's really depressed me to levels that no one knows about. I reluctantly told a friend of mine what I was dealing with. It might have been a mistake, but it felt good to get it off my chest. I think I've proven I'll work. I'll learn and do what I'm told. I'm there and I don't give any lip. I'm just tired of being fucked with for only that purpose.

Don't get me wrong. I want to do a good job. I want to make my dept. look good. I love my coworkers and many of my clients and enjoy seeing them succeed. But in recent times, on multiple occasions I've been made to feel less than adequate in what I do. It's hard to build confidence when you've got someone passive-aggressively beating you down. I find myself so angry.

I find it spilling into other areas of my life. Part of me wants to raise hell and just lay into those who have done this, but the sane part of me says it's not a battle worth putting energy into. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. It's eating at me and I want to let it go. I want to just purge myself of all of this anger. But again, better judgement steps in and says it's just not a good idea..or at least not in the fashion I'd like to express myself.

I've prayed about it. I've talked about it. I've blogged about it. I feel like if something doesn't give soon, I'll break like the Hoover Dam and it will be ugly. I've never felt like this in my entire life. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I try to be a 'cheerleader' for my clients and my friends and family. I put on a damned good front when on the inside I feel like dying....or in the spiritual sense anyway.

I'm just drained sometimes. I'm an excellent listener for others and good supporter, but I can't seem to follow my own advice often. I have found what I feel are a few good, true friends. The kind that have your back and encourage and support and don't see you when convenient. But real friends. It's took a long time to see that. I guess I'm kinda angry with myself that I 'ate shit' from people who I thought were friends for so long.

I'm changing. I've not figured out in what direction yet, but I don't think it to be all bad. I want more quality in my life and don't feel it to be a bad thing. I think that's what we all should strive for. The realist and the 'people pleaser' in me have come head to head and methinks the 'people pleaser' is about to head out the door. Not sure why that is, but I know if you kick a quiet dog long enough, eventually it will bite your damned head off. I think in a perverbial sense I was the quiet dog.

I find that when I'm with my friends and my family I can forget 'the shit' and be happy for a while. But then in my moments alone, it comes back to haunt me. I think my friend Libby was absolutely right when she said we need to keep ourselves busy to keep our mind off of what drains us. I just need to get some gumption and follow through.

Aside from all of these feelings, I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my folks. I'm cooking here tomorrow and will be glad to see everyone. I find myself missing my Dad this time of year too.. so it's bittersweet. Well, I guess I'm done with my verbal tyrade for this time. I just wish things would change and I could move on. That's all I want and everything in my power is being done to try to make it happen and I'm still coming up short...I don't know what else to do. I want to cry.