Rantings and Ramblings of a Southern Girl

Can't Explain It

2008-09-09T09:43:00.000Z

Good Morning,

I sit here in my home alone listening to a Kenny Chesney song. I'm calm.. calmest I've been in a long time. My life is good all considered. My needs are met with the exception of a job. I still think about the circumstances, but I can't undo them so I chalk it up to lesson learned. I have managed to make better connections with friends old and new since this has happened. I am going to be all right. God will lead me where I'm meant to go.

I have no regrets in the decisions I've made. They were the ones I was supposed to make. I live, I learn. I am learning the only things I need to be concerned with are the ones I can control. Worry doesn't accomplish anything (despite me doing it anyway- but not near as much). I am calm and accepting of what life has dealt me. I feel peace for once. It's a nice feeling.

Life has not been easy the last 4 years. But it's made me stronger. I've learned I can do things that I thought I never could. I've learned it's good to visit the past. Good or bad, you need to remember what got you to where you are now. Live one day at a time. Today is a gift. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. Let God lead you and not the other way around. He knows what he's doing. We just have to be patient.

I sit here not feeling a thing but peace. Things aren't the way I'd like 100%, but that is okay. I'll live in this moment and enjoy it.

Peace,

Try As I May

2008-08-24T15:52:00.000Z

Try as I may to attempt to make this day good, it's been nothing but Murphy's Law. I've tried to maintain some decorum about myself and it means nothing to no one. I can only hope for tomorrow to be better....:(

Pondering

2008-08-16T15:10:00.000Z

I guess I should be really excited. Things are looking up for me. I have 2 interviews Monday for jobs I feel I'd do well in and have good benefits and longevity in. But somehow, I'm now nervous and fearful of being let down. I am not sure why. I'm quite accustomed to 'selling myself'. I guess I just wish I were back to work again and things were back to what they were. The finances have been tight lately w/o my working. Haven't heard a thing from unemployment in 3 wks. We're living on savings and what Mark earns and that has made things a bit rough. We've been here in the past, so living frugally isn't new or anything. We can do it w/ ease when necessary. I guess the uncertainty of the sitation is getting to me. I feel inadequate. I feel 'out of the loop' and not really productive. This is the first time I've ever been terminated, so it takes some getting used to. I don't miss the job at all. I miss the folks on my caseload, but I don't miss the job and the environment and the shadiness of it all. But lesson learned: don't give up a steady thing for one you don't know much about. I really would like to work for the state again. I could pick up my seniority, my leave, my benefits, my retirement and my friends again. It would be nice. It's close to home too. So, here's to hoping. I'd be happy to work anywhere right now. But I'll go where God leads me. I found out my friend Holly got the job she wanted and is moving 2 hrs away. I'm happy for her and sad for me. I'll miss her terribly. We've been friends for 13 yrs. She's like a sister to me. But this will be an exciting change for her and I know she's excited. Well, I can only hope this coming week can warrant some more good news. As time passes and I hear nothing, I become more afraid of the possibility of not keeping everything afloat. I'll just keep praying and reading and leave that ball in God's court. He'll make a way somehow. I just want this coming week to come and go and have some good news. I'm very nervous. Here's to positive thought and high hopes.

Love,

Afraid

2008-08-14T09:27:00.000Z

As it rains outside, I'm afraid of what the future holds. I get like this from time to time. I have done so well in maintaining emotionally until today. I feel like this is as far as my life will take me. I feel like I may be wasting time in having faith that things will get better. My head and my heart wage a battle of what seems like the never ending debate of is it all worth it? I don't want to end my life persay, I just don't want much to do with the one I have. I've survived a family member committing suicide and I would NOT do that. It was 2 months of hell. Nursing someone back from the dead- literally. Fighting with medical staff to get basics done. I just don't have much fight in me left. I want what others want...a life. I currently feel detached from everyone and everything in it. I feel like my termination from my job was some kind of carma finding me. Maybe this is God's way of saying, 'this is what you deserve and now it's your time to deal.' I don't know. I just feel like a failure. I used to have faith in my ability and the world. I don't have much of anything in me today but mere breath in my body. I can only hope for tomorrow to be a better day. It's all I have left... hanging my hopes on tomorrow. :(

To Be Anyone Else But Me

2008-06-29T06:58:00.000Z

The depression is back and in full force. I can do enough to get by and no one question, but I don't sleep well... my eating is out or sorts... I have hart time focusing or doing anything I once enjoyed... I feel guilty for leaving my last job for this one and feel personally doomed in the employment arena. I feel like a loser.

I haven't always felt this way. I just want it all to go away and no one knows this but me- and I guess now you. I just don't want to share with anyone close right now. I'm seeking professional help. It's helped before. I just mentally and physically feel bad. I long to feel good again. I just don't know where to begin or how.

I journal. I sleep (more than I should some days, not near enough others). I do walk for exercise. I try soothing things but I can't focus on them. It's like my mind is going 100 mph down a dead end road. Sounds cliche` but true. I know what I want and need in life, but just don't have the gumption to do it right now.

I know my avoidance isn't a solution, but there has to be one somewhere,right? I've tried everything I could without professional intervention. It's just not working. I find myself thinking of my father a lot lately. He's been dead nearly 4 yrs. I cry a lot. Always alone though. I don't want anyone to see. It's just easier to front with most of my family. It's just getting harder to do.

What do I do meanwhile?

Been A Long Time

2008-03-06T21:08:00.000Z

As usual, about the time I feel semi-comfortable and confident in my life I find someone to kick the wind out of me and remind me of how little I am. I'd asked to be relocated closer to home nearly a year ago. Not once, not twice, but 3 times it appears I'll be passed over w/in my own department. One post was going to be given to a friend of mine until they lost enough work at their office that the post was froze. The next one I check on once again the supervisor isn't even honest with me and it goes to another friend of mine. The third time one I'd checked on a month ago is being waved in front of another friend of mine. I am beside myself with anger knowing that this has happened again. I'm back in "i'm worthless" mode. I have no faith in anything that I had started to any more. I don't see any purpose in anything I do there. I'm like the town joke. I'm tired of being backbit, manipulated and just made fun of. I have so much anger right now it's ridiculous. Yes, it's just a job. But it's the one obstacle that's given me grief in the last year and a half. I was hoping to have it under control, but then I have to deal with someone eavesdropping that I don't trust in the first place and they had the audacity to want to talk to me about it. Oh but hell no! I'm nearly to the point of just not giving a damn about what I do there and acting like an ass like the majority of the rest of them do. Something has to give....I can't keep this charade up.

Holiday Dread

2007-12-22T20:06:00.000Z

I find myself right at Christmas and just full of dread. I've managed to avoid one family gathering thus far. Just didn't want to be around them. Not really mad at anyone, just didn't want the interaction. I still don't have my gifts wrapped. It's been a struggle to 'get into' the Christmas spirit. I've not told a soul hardly. Just kept it under my hat. Things are easier this way.

I try to throw myself into helping others but don't have the energy and don't much want to help myself lately. I'm just blah right now. I have much to be thankful for and I know that things could be much worse. Some pretty bad things have happened to a couple of people I care greatly about right at Christmas. I've been sad for them. I've just lost interest in anything productive. I can't quite explain myself.

I try to focus on things I may enjoy but my attention usually doesn't last long at all. I don't understand it, but I guess it will pass in time. I just want the holiday to be over. That is all. I have found I miss my Dad a lot right now. I've been really sad about that...but never in the presence of anyone else. I've only told one person about that and only because she's missing her Dad. He died nearly a year ago.

I fear these things in my head. I mean I don't want to hurt a soul, but I don't want to reach the point that my Mother, Uncle and Grandmother have. Mental illness sucks. That's all I know....

It Seems to be All in Vain

2007-11-27T14:32:00.000Z

I have been praying, crying, trying and begging to get closer to home. I just had 2 friends be given positions I'd expressed interest in. I have a boss that sees me as weak and intimidated and won't say shit to my face about it. I'm so pissed off by it all that I can barely stay on task. I have so much anger inside I can't see straight. I'm just about ready to say, "Fuck it all."

I've done everything in my power to change things. I do what I'm told and don't question, but still am getting this. I can't do it any more. I'm done. I'm over it and there's not a damned person I can talk to about it wholeheartedly. Our commissioner or asst. comm. is coming soon with lots of questions about job satisfaction. My question is: "Do I tell the truth? or Do I lie?"

If I say anything and the wrong people find out then my life could be more hellish here than it already is. If I don't then it continues status quo and I seethe in anger. I've prayed about it. I've cried about it and talked about it. I want to bulldoze this obstacle and can't seem to no matter how hard I try. I guess I'll just keep plugging along until either I break or something gives. I pray for the latter and not the former.

Not So Bad

2007-11-24T06:24:00.000Z

I had the most fun with my family last night than I'd had in a long time. We had a belated Thanksgiving at my house. We ate, hung out, played video games and I got to see my nephew and niece. We were busy up til about 11 last night, but it was sooo worth it. I actually felt relaxed. It was a good feeling.

I'm going later this morning to see my nephew in the Christmas parade downtown. His karate school is in it every year. This is his 2nd yr. He's grown so fast. He's 10 and up to my shoulder. My niece is 15 mo old and says a bunch of stuff. She was quite the ham last night. We just had so much fun.

I missed my father, but knew he'd be happy that we were together. I know he sees and watches us. I just miss conversations with him and hugs. I imagine I always will. He's always with me though. My grandma on the other hand is experiencing something that's baffling us all. She's normally quite mentally sharp and goes to church and things. Here lately she's repeating herself, saying things that make no sense and getting rid of things just because she feels like it.

She has dr. appts. next week to investigate this, but it does concern me. I haven't been good on the communication part as I should, but I want to improve that. She's the only living grandparent I have left. She'll be 81 in April. She's an interesting woman but I am worried about what's going on.

Other than that, I have enjoyed the time off. I need to get some more Christmas shopping done. Don't want to put that off. Gonna keep Christmas simple this year. No worries there....

Well, I'm up wayy too early so I'm going to go back to sleep before I have to be up. Things are getting better. I think they just might be.

Down

2007-11-22T19:18:00.000Z

Last week at work was good...primarily because my lying, conniving supervisor wasn't there. I enjoy my work for the most, but I honestly am to the point where I'm desperate to get out of the perverbial 'den of thieves'. I found out while on vacation she chose to discuss me openly with coworkers and she feels I fear her and am intimidated by her.

Well, here's the truth. I don't trust her. She's lied and asked several of us to do things that could compromise us and our jobs. She says things to be hurtful and attempt to throw around authority and she knows who she aims at. I once had great respect for her because in the beginning I felt her intent was good.

I'm just tired of being fucked with. It's really depressed me to levels that no one knows about. I reluctantly told a friend of mine what I was dealing with. It might have been a mistake, but it felt good to get it off my chest. I think I've proven I'll work. I'll learn and do what I'm told. I'm there and I don't give any lip. I'm just tired of being fucked with for only that purpose.

Don't get me wrong. I want to do a good job. I want to make my dept. look good. I love my coworkers and many of my clients and enjoy seeing them succeed. But in recent times, on multiple occasions I've been made to feel less than adequate in what I do. It's hard to build confidence when you've got someone passive-aggressively beating you down. I find myself so angry.

I find it spilling into other areas of my life. Part of me wants to raise hell and just lay into those who have done this, but the sane part of me says it's not a battle worth putting energy into. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. It's eating at me and I want to let it go. I want to just purge myself of all of this anger. But again, better judgement steps in and says it's just not a good idea..or at least not in the fashion I'd like to express myself.

I've prayed about it. I've talked about it. I've blogged about it. I feel like if something doesn't give soon, I'll break like the Hoover Dam and it will be ugly. I've never felt like this in my entire life. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I try to be a 'cheerleader' for my clients and my friends and family. I put on a damned good front when on the inside I feel like dying....or in the spiritual sense anyway.

I'm just drained sometimes. I'm an excellent listener for others and good supporter, but I can't seem to follow my own advice often. I have found what I feel are a few good, true friends. The kind that have your back and encourage and support and don't see you when convenient. But real friends. It's took a long time to see that. I guess I'm kinda angry with myself that I 'ate shit' from people who I thought were friends for so long.

I'm changing. I've not figured out in what direction yet, but I don't think it to be all bad. I want more quality in my life and don't feel it to be a bad thing. I think that's what we all should strive for. The realist and the 'people pleaser' in me have come head to head and methinks the 'people pleaser' is about to head out the door. Not sure why that is, but I know if you kick a quiet dog long enough, eventually it will bite your damned head off. I think in a perverbial sense I was the quiet dog.

I find that when I'm with my friends and my family I can forget 'the shit' and be happy for a while. But then in my moments alone, it comes back to haunt me. I think my friend Libby was absolutely right when she said we need to keep ourselves busy to keep our mind off of what drains us. I just need to get some gumption and follow through.

Aside from all of these feelings, I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my folks. I'm cooking here tomorrow and will be glad to see everyone. I find myself missing my Dad this time of year too.. so it's bittersweet. Well, I guess I'm done with my verbal tyrade for this time. I just wish things would change and I could move on. That's all I want and everything in my power is being done to try to make it happen and I'm still coming up short...I don't know what else to do. I want to cry.

Since Last Time

2007-11-18T07:55:00.000Z

Good Mornin-

Since I last reported, I did manage to get that interview I'd hoped for. I felt it went well and they said they'd hoped to make a decision on this past Fri. I heard nothing. But in the interview, I was asked if necessary if I'd be willing to come back for a 2nd interview also and I said 'yes'. So, I'm not sure what that means....I was so hoping for this one. The job similarities are uncanny. I'd be closer to home. Get some gas monies. It sounds like it's right up my alley.

But the girl behind me is a colleague and she has more education for sure, but not sure about experience. Had a sick feeling she probably got it. Not only that, she's getting to interview next month for a job I've begged to just get an interview for and can't. So, needless to say I'm discouraged. I dread going back to work and it's not even the work that makes me dread it.

I have this boss whom I've caught in lies, likes to manipulate what she's told and her subordinates and I trust her as far as I can throw the building I work in. I don't like feeling like I'm always in trouble with her and I don't do anything without running it by her. But no matter what, I feel inadequate and I just flat out hate the work environment. Not trying to be a 'negative nelly', just speaking the truth.

I've prayed, cried and did all I have the power to in order to go elsewhere and it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm going to eventually get training in something p/t so that I can at least have some extra income and eventually have a skill that will get me out of there once and for all. I'm just not sure what exactly I'll do yet as I have a couple of options. I'm just so down from this. But meanwhile, I'll keep my head down and work.

I've been trying to work harder on thinking positive and having faith in myself, but that's not even enough. I know I have some transferrable skills. What am I doing wrong? I didn't ask for this stupid move that creates a 2 hr/day commute and I've been cooperative. I'm just sick of the head games. Just want to do my work, be left alone and go home at the end of the day. I have really grown to resent this dept. and hindsight, I would've held out for another office in what I used to do instead or another dept. all together.

Something has to give and soon. I'm just so frustrated. Lord, if your listening, please forgive my bad attitude. Please forgive my frustration, anger and lack of trust. Please show me how to get a good job that is closer to home. Please make it abundantly clear. I would like to continue to help others but I feel in my heart and gut that where I am isn't it. Please help me help myself so that I can continue to help others. I can't do this without you.

I know we're not supposed to ask for things for ourselves and you know normally I don't do that straight out the gate. But you are the only one I put all my trust and faith into that can help me find the way. I just need help. Please help me. In your name, Amen.

Trying Despite Feeling Defeated

2007-11-13T16:59:00.000Z

It seems that just when I think I've done all I can to make a situation better, I still am continuing to get shot down. I was supposed to go to lunch with a friend of mine... got stood up without a call or anything. I had hoped to at least get an interview for a job that I think I would love and would be closer to home....nothing. I've looked in the wanted ads and the state registers and I can't even get a damned interview. I know I've screwed up sometimes, but I know for a fact that I've not done so terribly that I've burned bridges entirely. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm being blackballed by previous or current supervision. I don't know how I'd find that out. But I refuse to believe that I'm such a terrible employee that I wouldn't qualify for anything. But so far, that's how it's looking. I can't continue to spend $84/wk in fuel. That's 20% of my monthly earnings. That's more than what I spend on my worst winter heat bill. It's ridiculous. I've expressed an interest in being moved, but I've been lied to about that. I've been trying this 'think positive' outlook for a little while now. It's gotten me nothing so far. I'm nervous. I'm not sleeping good at night. I feel so defeated. I think I may have to go back to school for something. The education and experience I have are not going to get me anything I fear. I know I have some good skills. I know I can work well to provide for others. I've done this for years. I just don't know what else to do but sit alone and cry. Now I know feeling sorry for myself won't solve anything, but I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I've exhausted everything I know to do. I'm just tired of the politics and bullshit. I'm tired of people not presenting themselves at face value. I know there will be some of this to a degree no matter where you go. But what I've seen recently is just sheer lunacy. What gets me is blind eyes and deaf ears turn to it everywhere. I guess the whole 'moral standard/do the right thing' attitude has been flushed down the perverbial toilet of life. I don't know.... All I do know is I need a miracle.

When Do You Stop?

2007-11-09T04:58:00.000Z

I've caught my husband in what has recently been 3 lies. All involving things he shouldn't be doing. Once again, it was made my fault and his claim this time was he didn't know there was a difference in voice chat and typing with another woman.... Bull Fucking Shit! I am so very angry at him. I know where this road leads. I didn't yell, but I did express my feelings. He yelled and screamed and of course was way too dramatic. He says we've been married 14 yrs and he wants to spend the next 14 with me. My thoughts are 'show me'. I'm glad he has a hobby, but it would be nice to spend time with him beyond a meal and a fuck. I'm just about at my wit's end. We're supposed to go on vacaction next week. I absolutely dread it with the way I feel right now. It makes me physically sick. For once, I wish he'd own up where he fucks up. But I guess accountability would be asking too much. I tell ya, my faith is people is waning and fast. I do have one friend whom I think is honest and wouldn't try to screw me over or take advantage. I'm thankful I have her. I just dread coming home today. I don't want to talk with him, deal with him or anything at this point. He'll expect me to just let this go. Of course, if he bothered to explain himself he will make me the villain/bitch as he doesn't think he does anything wrong. He could be doing worse by being out of the house talking to other women or fucking them. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Hell no! Sometimes I think my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I were alone. I took 1 and 1/2 Xanax so that I could go to sleep last night and not have to deal with his sorry ass. I was asleep by 8:30. I just don't want to deal with him at all right now. The shit is getting old. I've been trying hard to not let the negative stuff get me, but this oversteps the line. He got mad because I had a friends list with male names on it. Out of respect, I took my page down. He lied about saying he told other women I wasn't comfortable with him chatting. Well, tonight I find him chatting with one. He's a fucking liar in my book and I HATE A LIAR. He says he's sorry, but he's just gonna have to fucking show me. I'm sick of him screaming at me when he's in the wrong and trying to make everything my fault. He needs to grow the fuck up and be a man. I get tired of him doing things to make me doubt him and the fact that he gets mad at me because I care and he doesn't. He doesn't value my feelings at all. He doesn't give a shit as long as he gets what he wants. He's just like his selfish bitch of a mother in that sense. Well, the welcome has worn off of this doormat. I'm too far gone to go back to that. So much for believing in love... For I have discovered it doesn't exist unconditionally and it's a matter of convenience, not a priority. I don't want to be anyone's convenience. I'd rather be alone if that's what it takes. Don't know if I'll get past this shit. I'd like to believe I will, but my belief in anything right now has been shattered.

Another Day

2007-10-27T10:53:00.000Z

Well, I think I've decided once and for all to withdraw from the friendship in question. I think she's wanted it for some time. So, I'll respect that. It kind of hurts me as when she finally did want to spend time with me she invited someone else along for what I suspect was so that she wouldn't have to deal with me. I became to her what she resented and she couldn't be honest about it.

I've thought about that a lot. If she can't be honest with me with that, what else has she been dishonest with me about. I'll miss her company, but I realize now that it's not good for either one of us. So, even though I wished I'd had the opportunity to try to improve things, I'm walking away. I've let this eat at me far too long.

I know I take part of the responsibility of losing what is now 2 friendships. I own up to that. But, that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being a good friend. I need to make new friends. Find new interests. Move on. I know myself I have a LOT to work on. I'm trying. It will take a long time. But you know, we're all flawed and that is all right.

I think I've just reached a point where I see I've been way too accepting of things that I never should have agreed to in the first place. I know what they are and I know what I need to do about it. I have plenty to be glad about. I know this. I just need to find that balance between here and getting there.

I will though. This whole mulling over it thing really has sucked the life out of me. I can't let that happen. I mean, we don't get over things overnight but we have to at least try. That is what is important. Moving forward and making the most of the life you have. I'll take it one moment, one step, one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.

Well, I'm glad the weekend is finally here. I've got some housework and things to do, but I feel a lot better. I prayed to God a few times yesterday just asking for help to help myself and do a better job helping others. I felt engulfed by all that I had faced this week. But that is behind me now. Today is another day.

Could the week get worse?

2007-10-26T10:14:00.000Z

I have had a terrible week that with every breath appears to be getting worse. I've had 2 clients get nasty with me. I hate my job and I feel like I am getting the run around from people I once had faith in. I'm angry for reasons I don't understand and don't have a damned person to talk to about it. I just want to cry.

I had it in my head that I was going to think positively and move forward and clean out the 'perverbial closet'. Well, I have tried and I'm getting mixed signals and not sure what to do at this point. I was going to go to dinner with one of my friends for what I had hoped would be a chance for us to talk. But she invited someone else without asking me and it doesn't look like this will transpire. For reasons I don't know, that just sent me reeling.

I feel like she's invited this person just so that she won't have to really deal with me but to do the obligatory thing to barely keep the friendship going. I see what is going on and am not happy about it and no, I don't want to 'play nice' and act like it's not going on any more. I don't think I'm even going to go now. It just unravels me to my core. I'm tired of being the 'convenient' friend.

My life even gets on my own nerves right now. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't see the therapist until next Thursday. Since there's not many I'd trust their intentions, I don't know if I can hold out until then. I'm journaling like crazy in hopes that this will help and it's not. I don't want to be in this place. But I am....

I am not really motivated to work at all but have a lot to do so I will work for now to get through the day. Guess I'll go. Sit back and see what else bad can happen....