(no subject)

So today I have realized I may be single forever. I feel so useless. It's hard to admit because guys aren't that big of an importance in my life. I still have my goals, I don't give up things for them, I put my maters first if they are important. But the thought of being alone and never finding someone to love me is really starting to wear me down.

The last two and a half years have been full of fake relationships. I'm 0 for 5. I don't get it. I put everything into what I think is a relationship, just to find out a couple months later they never wanted anything I was just fun to hang out with and sleep with. And I'm not a slut. Two of those guys started with sex. They rest were because they wanted to know me or we were friends that turned into a 'relationship.' Three of them I never got into a fight with, things were what I thought perfect.

What's wrong with me?? Why can I like but never be liked in return??

I found Turner was talking to other girls and doing the same things with them.

Greg left one day and just never text, called, nothing. Still don't know anything about him after 2 yrs.

Stephen basically lived with me. I payed for everything. Went on for three months. Started sleeping with a teenager (he was 27),said he was sorry he thought I knew he never wanted a relationship. Yet avyear later they are still together and live together.

Jaberg lead me on for a whole semester, partially my fault. He'd break up with me then cry telling me how much he loved me and he was sorry. The first time someone ever wanted me back so I kept with it.

Now this morning I find Kyle never wanted anything. We had a talk about taking things slow but we both liked each other. Come to find out, there's another girl and as soon as she returns to Indiana, whoever he's with is done and he's going back to her. Said that he was just going with the flow and if I wanted something serious I need to find another guy because he doesn't want to feel bogged down. I sleep over there every day, he calls me every day when he gets off work, we go out with his other couple friends, he takes me out all the time, I thought things were perfect. Nope.

Another one bites the dust.

Now I have sadly come to the point where I am saying I'm ok with that and still hanging out with him knowing this girl could come back even this Christmas and he'd get with her. It's like this time I know I'm being used, so at least I know what's to come. It's my own fault this time when I get hurt. Being used is better than nothing at all. I can fake being happy on a social level easier with someone using me than watching all of my friends and their companions and being the only single one.

I know I'm young. I'm only 22. There will always be another guy. There are millions of fish in the sea. Everything will be ok in the end. Ya ya, I've heard it all. But IT SUCKS. Jumping from guy to guy and being told after months of what I think is a working relationship that is was just two people hanging out they never wanted anything. It's really hard!

I hate to be one of those cry baby girls with daddy problems, but man even my dad said I was the reason why my parents marriage didn't work for so long and it was much better when I left for college. Funny, because I was so involved in school, I was never home. But here I am, grown up, and I can't make any of my own relationships work. It makes me feel so worthless.

I've never had a relationship where it was hard on both parts to break up. I've always been the one to be broken up with for another girl or they find what becomes a serious relationship literally a couple weeks after me. Really?? I thought you weren't looking for anything serious and that's why you were leaving me.

Just yesterday my life was perfect. School is going great, hang out with my friends every day, have the best guy in the world who treats me great! The one who was going to break by bad relationship streak. Now as of this morning I feel like shit. We all have heard a lot of bad news in our life and besides hearing that someone has died, hearing that the person you thought could possibly love you one day soon never wanted anything past a friendship with dating-like actions, is by far the second worse feeling ever.

I'm going to keep things with him going because like I said before it's easier socially and 2, because if I stop hanging out with him, I stop hanging out with all of my friends. It's my senior year of college and I'll have to make all new friends for what's left because I won't be able to be around him. it would be too hard. I didn't think he was THE ONE, but I really thought he was going to be my first real, normal relationship. When we broke up, we were both sad. One of those. Just having a break up like that wouldn't be bad. At least I knew he had feelings because it was hard for him also. I'm tired of crying over every guy who I think takes me seriously.

Until I graduate in two semesters, I'm calling off anything relationship worthy. I'll have to learn to be single in a world of couples and just be that girl who's always flying solo on nights out, aww let's try to set her up! ... that girl.