Chelsea's Journal

â??The first woman may have been Eve, but the first girl will always be Alma. Maybe the first time you saw her you were ten. She was standing in the sun scratching her legs. Or racing letters in the dirt with a stick. Her hair was being pulled. Or she was pulling someoneâ??s hair. And a part of you were drawn to her, and a part of you resistedâ??wanting to ride off on your bicycle, kick a stone, remain uncomplicated. In teh same breath you felt the strength of a man, and a self-pity that made you feel small and hurt. Part of you thought: Please donâ??t look at me. If you donâ??t, I can still turn away. And part of you thought: Look at me. If you remember the first time you saw Alma, you also remember the last. She was shaking her head. Or disappearing across a field. Or through your window. Come back, you shouted. But she didnâ??t. And though you were gorwn up by then, you felt as lost as a child. And though your pride was broken, you felt as vast as your love for her. She was gone, and all that was left was the space youâ??d grown around her, like a tree that grows around a fence. For a long time, it remained hollow. Years, maybe. And when at last it was filled again, you knew that the new love you felt for a woman would have been impossible without Alma. If it werenâ??t for her, there would never have been an empty space, or the need to fill it.â??

i wonder if one problem causes another. makes me not feel. what a new and shitty comprehension.

people like to look at me. Okay, I mean this in the least self-centered way possible... but its just true. I think I must have a comforting face. For example, my gorgeous english professor... the first few days of class, all he did was look at me. And mind you, this is a class of 15 girls, half of which are much much prettier/hotter than me. But no, he just looked at me. And he remembered my nam after the first class too. He's still, 2 weeks later, trying to learn most of the other girls names (some he has down now) but he knew mine the first day. If find this so weird. I mean, he doesn't look at me anymore or anything... but I've just been noticing... people lke to look at me when they're uncomofortable i think. when they don't know where else to look. i'm easy?

I think it must be a lot easier for him to see me than it is for me to see him. I had a wonderful wonderful night and there isn't a thing I would change about it... but I have an e hangover. I gotta kick it quick,

See, I have spent the last two and a half months convincing myself that Ezra and I are all wrong for each other, that we never would have worked, and that our relationship could not have been significant. (He never asked me about myself. I only fell for him because he fell for me. We only got along because I wanted us to. Blah blah etc. etc.) And some of this is true. I can