Rantings and Ramblings of a Southern Girl

As usual, about the time I feel semi-comfortable and confident in my life I find someone to kick the wind out of me and remind me of how little I am. I'd asked to be relocated closer to home nearly a year ago. Not once, not twice, but 3 times it appears I'll be passed over w/in my own department. One post was going to be given to a friend of mine until they lost enough work at their office that the post was froze. The next one I check on once again the supervisor isn't even honest with me and it goes to another friend of mine. The third time one I'd checked on a month ago is being waved in front of another friend of mine. I am beside myself with anger knowing that this has happened again. I'm back in "i'm worthless" mode. I have no faith in anything that I had started to any more. I don't see any purpose in anything I do there. I'm like the town joke. I'm tired of being backbit, manipulated and just made fun of. I have so much anger right now it's ridiculous. Yes, it's just a job. But it's the one obstacle that's given me grief in the last year and a half. I was hoping to have it under control, but then I have to deal with someone eavesdropping that I don't trust in the first place and they had the audacity to want to talk to me about it. Oh but hell no! I'm nearly to the point of just not giving a damn about what I do there and acting like an ass like the majority of the rest of them do. Something has to give....I can't keep this charade up.

I find myself right at Christmas and just full of dread. I've managed to avoid one family gathering thus far. Just didn't want to be around them. Not really mad at anyone, just didn't want the interaction. I still don't have my gifts wrapped. It's been a struggle to 'get into' the Christmas spirit. I've not told a soul hardly. Just kept it under my hat. Things are easier this way.

I try to throw myself into helping others but don't have the energy and don't much want to help myself lately. I'm just blah right now. I have much to be thankful for and I know that things could be much worse. Some pretty bad things have happened to a couple of people I care greatly about right at Christmas. I've been sad for them. I've just lost interest in anything productive. I can't quite explain myself.

I try to focus on things I may enjoy but my attention usually doesn't last long at all. I don't understand it, but I guess it will pass in time. I just want the holiday to be over. That is all. I have found I miss my Dad a lot right now. I've been really sad about that...but never in the presence of anyone else. I've only told one person about that and only because she's missing her Dad. He died nearly a year ago.

I fear these things in my head. I mean I don't want to hurt a soul, but I don't want to reach the point that my Mother, Uncle and Grandmother have. Mental illness sucks. That's all I know....

I have been praying, crying, trying and begging to get closer to home. I just had 2 friends be given positions I'd expressed interest in. I have a boss that sees me as weak and intimidated and won't say shit to my face about it. I'm so pissed off by it all that I can barely stay on task. I have so much anger inside I can't see straight. I'm just about ready to say, "Fuck it all."

I've done everything in my power to change things. I do what I'm told and don't question, but still am getting this. I can't do it any more. I'm done. I'm over it and there's not a damned person I can talk to about it wholeheartedly. Our commissioner or asst. comm. is coming soon with lots of questions about job satisfaction. My question is: "Do I tell the truth? or Do I lie?"

If I say anything and the wrong people find out then my life could be more hellish here than it already is. If I don't then it continues status quo and I seethe in anger. I've prayed about it. I've cried about it and talked about it. I want to bulldoze this obstacle and can't seem to no matter how hard I try. I guess I'll just keep plugging along until either I break or something gives. I pray for the latter and not the former.

I had the most fun with my family last night than I'd had in a long time. We had a belated Thanksgiving at my house. We ate, hung out, played video games and I got to see my nephew and niece. We were busy up til about 11 last night, but it was sooo worth it. I actually felt relaxed. It was a good feeling.

I'm going later this morning to see my nephew in the Christmas parade downtown. His karate school is in it every year. This is his 2nd yr. He's grown so fast. He's 10 and up to my shoulder. My niece is 15 mo old and says a bunch of stuff. She was quite the ham last night. We just had so much fun.

I missed my father, but knew he'd be happy that we were together. I know he sees and watches us. I just miss conversations with him and hugs. I imagine I always will. He's always with me though. My grandma on the other hand is experiencing something that's baffling us all. She's normally quite mentally sharp and goes to church and things. Here lately she's repeating herself, saying things that make no sense and getting rid of things just because she feels like it.

She has dr. appts. next week to investigate this, but it does concern me. I haven't been good on the communication part as I should, but I want to improve that. She's the only living grandparent I have left. She'll be 81 in April. She's an interesting woman but I am worried about what's going on.

Other than that, I have enjoyed the time off. I need to get some more Christmas shopping done. Don't want to put that off. Gonna keep Christmas simple this year. No worries there....

Well, I'm up wayy too early so I'm going to go back to sleep before I have to be up. Things are getting better. I think they just might be.

Last week at work was good...primarily because my lying, conniving supervisor wasn't there. I enjoy my work for the most, but I honestly am to the point where I'm desperate to get out of the perverbial 'den of thieves'. I found out while on vacation she chose to discuss me openly with coworkers and she feels I fear her and am intimidated by her.

Well, here's the truth. I don't trust her. She's lied and asked several of us to do things that could compromise us and our jobs. She says things to be hurtful and attempt to throw around authority and she knows who she aims at. I once had great respect for her because in the beginning I felt her intent was good.

I'm just tired of being fucked with. It's really depressed me to levels that no one knows about. I reluctantly told a friend of mine what I was dealing with. It might have been a mistake, but it felt good to get it off my chest. I think I've proven I'll work. I'll learn and do what I'm told. I'm there and I don't give any lip. I'm just tired of being fucked with for only that purpose.

Don't get me wrong. I want to do a good job. I want to make my dept. look good. I love my coworkers and many of my clients and enjoy seeing them succeed. But in recent times, on multiple occasions I've been made to feel less than adequate in what I do. It's hard to build confidence when you've got someone passive-aggressively beating you down. I find myself so angry.

I find it spilling into other areas of my life. Part of me wants to raise hell and just lay into those who have done this, but the sane part of me says it's not a battle worth putting energy into. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. It's eating at me and I want to let it go. I want to just purge myself of all of this anger. But again, better judgement steps in and says it's just not a good idea..or at least not in the fashion I'd like to express myself.

I've prayed about it. I've talked about it. I've blogged about it. I feel like if something doesn't give soon, I'll break like the Hoover Dam and it will be ugly. I've never felt like this in my entire life. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I try to be a 'cheerleader' for my clients and my friends and family. I put on a damned good front when on the inside I feel like dying....or in the spiritual sense anyway.

I'm just drained sometimes. I'm an excellent listener for others and good supporter, but I can't seem to follow my own advice often. I have found what I feel are a few good, true friends. The kind that have your back and encourage and support and don't see you when convenient. But real friends. It's took a long time to see that. I guess I'm kinda angry with myself that I 'ate shit' from people who I thought were friends for so long.

I'm changing. I've not figured out in what direction yet, but I don't think it to be all bad. I want more quality in my life and don't feel it to be a bad thing. I think that's what we all should strive for. The realist and the 'people pleaser' in me have come head to head and methinks the 'people pleaser' is about to head out the door. Not sure why that is, but I know if you kick a quiet dog long enough, eventually it will bite your damned head off. I think in a perverbial sense I was the quiet dog.

I find that when I'm with my friends and my family I can forget 'the shit' and be happy for a while. But then in my moments alone, it comes back to haunt me. I think my friend Libby was absolutely right when she said we need to keep ourselves busy to keep our mind off of what drains us. I just need to get some gumption and follow through.

Aside from all of these feelings, I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my folks. I'm cooking here tomorrow and will be glad to see everyone. I find myself missing my Dad this time of year too.. so it's bittersweet. Well, I guess I'm done with my verbal tyrade for this time. I just wish things would change and I could move on. That's all I want and everything in my power is being done to try to make it happen and I'm still coming up short...I don't know what else to do. I want to cry.

 

Good Mornin-

Since I last reported, I did manage to get that interview I'd hoped for. I felt it went well and they said they'd hoped to make a decision on this past Fri. I heard nothing. But in the interview, I was asked if necessary if I'd be willing to come back for a 2nd interview also and I said 'yes'. So, I'm not sure what that means....I was so hoping for this one. The job similarities are uncanny. I'd be closer to home. Get some gas monies. It sounds like it's right up my alley.

But the girl behind me is a colleague and she has more education for sure, but not sure about experience. Had a sick feeling she probably got it. Not only that, she's getting to interview next month for a job I've begged to just get an interview for and can't. So, needless to say I'm discouraged. I dread going back to work and it's not even the work that makes me dread it.

I have this boss whom I've caught in lies, likes to manipulate what she's told and her subordinates and I trust her as far as I can throw the building I work in. I don't like feeling like I'm always in trouble with her and I don't do anything without running it by her. But no matter what, I feel inadequate and I just flat out hate the work environment. Not trying to be a 'negative nelly', just speaking the truth.

I've prayed, cried and did all I have the power to in order to go elsewhere and it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm going to eventually get training in something p/t so that I can at least have some extra income and eventually have a skill that will get me out of there once and for all. I'm just not sure what exactly I'll do yet as I have a couple of options. I'm just so down from this. But meanwhile, I'll keep my head down and work.

I've been trying to work harder on thinking positive and having faith in myself, but that's not even enough. I know I have some transferrable skills. What am I doing wrong? I didn't ask for this stupid move that creates a 2 hr/day commute and I've been cooperative. I'm just sick of the head games. Just want to do my work, be left alone and go home at the end of the day. I have really grown to resent this dept. and hindsight, I would've held out for another office in what I used to do instead or another dept. all together.

Something has to give and soon. I'm just so frustrated. Lord, if your listening, please forgive my bad attitude. Please forgive my frustration, anger and lack of trust. Please show me how to get a good job that is closer to home. Please make it abundantly clear. I would like to continue to help others but I feel in my heart and gut that where I am isn't it. Please help me help myself so that I can continue to help others. I can't do this without you.

I know we're not supposed to ask for things for ourselves and you know normally I don't do that straight out the gate. But you are the only one I put all my trust and faith into that can help me find the way. I just need help. Please help me. In your name, Amen.

 

It seems that just when I think I've done all I can to make a situation better, I still am continuing to get shot down. I was supposed to go to lunch with a friend of mine... got stood up without a call or anything. I had hoped to at least get an interview for a job that I think I would love and would be closer to home....nothing. I've looked in the wanted ads and the state registers and I can't even get a damned interview. I know I've screwed up sometimes, but I know for a fact that I've not done so terribly that I've burned bridges entirely. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm being blackballed by previous or current supervision. I don't know how I'd find that out. But I refuse to believe that I'm such a terrible employee that I wouldn't qualify for anything. But so far, that's how it's looking. I can't continue to spend $84/wk in fuel. That's 20% of my monthly earnings. That's more than what I spend on my worst winter heat bill. It's ridiculous. I've expressed an interest in being moved, but I've been lied to about that. I've been trying this 'think positive' outlook for a little while now. It's gotten me nothing so far. I'm nervous. I'm not sleeping good at night. I feel so defeated. I think I may have to go back to school for something. The education and experience I have are not going to get me anything I fear. I know I have some good skills. I know I can work well to provide for others. I've done this for years. I just don't know what else to do but sit alone and cry. Now I know feeling sorry for myself won't solve anything, but I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I've exhausted everything I know to do. I'm just tired of the politics and bullshit. I'm tired of people not presenting themselves at face value. I know there will be some of this to a degree no matter where you go. But what I've seen recently is just sheer lunacy. What gets me is blind eyes and deaf ears turn to it everywhere. I guess the whole 'moral standard/do the right thing' attitude has been flushed down the perverbial toilet of life. I don't know....  All I do know is I need a miracle.

I've caught my husband in what has recently been 3 lies. All involving things he shouldn't be doing. Once again, it was made my fault and his claim this time was he didn't know there was a difference in voice chat and typing with another woman.... Bull Fucking Shit! I am so very angry at him. I know where this road leads. I didn't yell, but I did express my feelings. He yelled and screamed and of course was way too dramatic. He says we've been married 14 yrs and he wants to spend the next 14 with me. My thoughts are 'show me'. I'm glad he has a hobby, but it would be nice to spend time with him beyond a meal and a fuck. I'm just about at my wit's end. We're supposed to go on vacaction next week. I absolutely dread it with the way I feel right now. It makes me physically sick. For once, I wish he'd own up where he fucks up. But I guess accountability would be asking too much. I tell ya, my faith is people is waning and fast. I do have one friend whom I think is honest and wouldn't try to screw me over or take advantage. I'm thankful I have her. I just dread coming home today. I don't want to talk with him, deal with him or anything at this point. He'll expect me to just let this go. Of course, if he bothered to explain himself he will make me the villain/bitch as he doesn't think he does anything wrong. He could be doing worse by being out of the house talking to other women or fucking them. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Hell no! Sometimes I think my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I were alone. I took 1 and 1/2 Xanax so that I could go to sleep last night and not have to deal with his sorry ass. I was asleep by 8:30. I just don't want to deal with him at all right now. The shit is getting old. I've been trying hard to not let the negative stuff get me, but this oversteps the line. He got mad because I had a friends list with male names on it. Out of respect, I took my page down. He lied about saying he told other women I wasn't comfortable with him chatting. Well, tonight I find him chatting with one. He's a fucking liar in my book and I HATE A LIAR. He says he's sorry, but he's just gonna have to fucking show me. I'm sick of him screaming at me when he's in the wrong and trying to make everything my fault. He needs to grow the fuck up and be a man. I get tired of him doing things to make me doubt him and the fact that he gets mad at me because I care and he doesn't. He doesn't value my feelings at all. He doesn't give a shit as long as he gets what he wants. He's just like his selfish bitch of a mother in that sense. Well, the welcome has worn off of this doormat. I'm too far gone to go back to that. So much for believing in love... For I have discovered it doesn't exist unconditionally and it's a matter of convenience, not a priority. I don't want to be anyone's convenience. I'd rather be alone if that's what it takes. Don't know if I'll get past this shit. I'd like to believe I will, but my belief in anything right now has been shattered.

Well, I think I've decided once and for all to withdraw from the friendship in question. I think she's wanted it for some time. So, I'll respect that. It kind of hurts me as when she finally did want to spend time with me she invited someone else along for what I suspect was so that she wouldn't have to deal with me. I became to her what she resented and she couldn't be honest about it.

I've thought about that a lot. If she can't be honest with me with that, what else has she been dishonest with me about. I'll miss her company, but I realize now that it's not good for either one of us. So, even though I wished I'd had the opportunity to try to improve things, I'm walking away. I've let this eat at me far too long.

I know I take part of the responsibility of losing what is now 2 friendships. I own up to that. But, that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being a good friend. I need to make new friends. Find new interests. Move on. I know myself I have a LOT to work on. I'm trying. It will take a long time. But you know, we're all flawed and that is all right.

I think I've just reached a point where I see I've been way too accepting of things that I never should have agreed to in the first place. I know what they are and I know what I need to do about it. I have plenty to be glad about. I know this. I just need to find that balance between here and getting there.

I will though. This whole mulling over it thing really has sucked the life out of me. I can't let that happen. I mean, we don't get over things overnight but we have to at least try. That is what is important. Moving forward and making the most of the life you have. I'll take it one moment, one step, one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.

Well, I'm glad the weekend is finally here. I've got some housework and things to do, but I feel a lot better. I prayed to God a few times yesterday just asking for help to help myself and do a better job helping others. I felt engulfed by all that I had faced this week. But that is behind me now. Today is another day.

I have had a terrible week that with every breath appears to be getting worse. I've had 2 clients get nasty with me. I hate my job and I feel like I am getting the run around from people I once had faith in. I'm angry for reasons I don't understand and don't have a damned person to talk to about it. I just want to cry.

I had it in my head that I was going to think positively and move forward and clean out the 'perverbial closet'. Well, I have tried and I'm getting mixed signals and not sure what to do at this point. I was going to go to dinner with one of my friends for what I had hoped would be a chance for us to talk. But she invited someone else without asking me and it doesn't look like this will transpire. For reasons I don't know, that just sent me reeling.

I feel like she's invited this person just so that she won't have to really deal with me but to do the obligatory thing to barely keep the friendship going. I see what is going on and am not happy about it and no, I don't want to 'play nice' and act like it's not going on any more. I don't think I'm even going to go now. It just unravels me to my core. I'm tired of being the 'convenient' friend.

My life even gets on my own nerves right now. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't see the therapist until next Thursday. Since there's not many I'd trust their intentions, I don't know if I can hold out until then. I'm journaling like crazy in hopes that this will help and it's not. I don't want to be in this place. But I am....

I am not really motivated to work at all but have a lot to do so I will work for now to get through the day. Guess I'll go. Sit back and see what else bad can happen....

I'm feeling discouragement creep back in. I got turned down by another employer. I don't want to work in this office any more- period! I can't ignore the discrepancies of what people in authority tell me and the fact I can't trust my own boss. It's also been financially hard on us as I'm spending $320/mo in gas.

Hindsight I wish I'd researched this option better. I wouldn't have transferred here. I'd have gone somewhere else. But I acted out of ignorance and desperation. So, I guess I deserve what I get. I've enjoyed the clients for the most. I've seen some success. But I just want out of here so bad. I've cried and prayed about it until I myself am just about sick of it.

I'm going to try to revamp my resume and see if that makes a difference. I know I have abilities and talents. I just don't know where else I can use them. It's been really frustrating. I don't know what I'm going to do for sure. But that's just the beginning.

I ended a 20 yr friendship or let's just say her actions ended it for me. I realize the lack of maturity and toxicity of the relationship now and realize it wasn't healthy. But I feel like I failed because I invested 20 yrs into it. Another friend turned on me in favor of the one I lost and a third one I just really question all together. I question myself as well...

I've never had trouble making and keeping friends in the past and I hope that I've not become difficult to the point of not being able to keep friends. But I do still have good friends left, so I tend to not think that would be it. However I do see similiarities in personalities of the 3 people in question. All people change...I just wish I could pinpoint if it's something I need to do or not.

I own up to part of the responsibility but am a firm believer that it takes 2 to tango. I have connected with a new friend and one that had moved away and is now back home. So that's encouraging. Sometimes I think you outgrow each other. Interests change, directions of life, and you just can't help what happens. It's just hard to say. But as if you couldn't tell, it weighs on my mind.

There's been a recent death in my family. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that as well. Still have some trust issues with work and just hate being here in general. I know, I'm just an emotional mess today. I just feel like I've been running a marathon and I've hit an eternally tall brick wall. Not sure what to do about it either....makes me kind of sad.

Well Ce Sera, Sera...Whatever will be, will be. I definitely will be leaving this one up to the Lord. Here's to hoping for a brighter day.

 

Me

I write today waiting on a client that I've scheduled at least 3 times and she hasn't shown. I'm somewhat thankful for that as I have other things that need my attention. Things at work are still "business as usual weird". I have no trust or respect for my boss. She's lied to me and asked us to do things that could compromise our jobs. It's straining to maintain a professional relationship when dealing with someone like this.

I just keep my head down and do what I can at work. It's easiest this way. I found out that one of our 'investigatees' will be out for months now. It originally was one month... now it's several. I was told she has enough leave to carry her through at least March of next year. I'm not suprised. I look for her to just retire as she has the time in to do so. Won't stop the investigation, but I don't anticipate her coming back here with things as they are.

The other 'investigatee' is coming in trying to maintain like nothing is new, but it's visible the toll it's already taken on her. I don't know how long this will go on. The state does tend to take their time with these things. It aught to be cut and dry in reality, but that's logic and we know that if it makes sense more than likely it won't transpire here. My boss is awfully chummy w/this one. Despite the fact she's been told not to be especially now she is anyhow.

I'm still feeling optimistic about moving on from here. I'm ready. I feel that someone will see me as qualified and I'll land on my feet somewhere. Some people just 'get their jollies' by seeing what they can do to intimidate and break you. Some people are sick like that. But I do believe Karma is a powerful thing. You begat ugliness and Karma will hunt you down and beat you with ugliness.

I'm happy and calm right now despite being behind from where I've had to leave town to attend training. I welcome the fall weather and the time change. I like getting that hour back. I've got to buy candy for Halloween soon. I've decorated, but no candy yet. I'll probably get 2 big bags and be done. Maybe I'll make special treat bags for my niece and nephew.

I'm just not uber motivated to work today. Got plenty to do, just don't want to do it. We all know how that can go. Well, I guess I'd better act like I'm productive whether I want to be or not. I'll talk to you again soon. Thanks for listening!

A Calm, Collected Me

I find I once again have been let down by someone I love and my feelings weren't taken in regard at all. I feel stupid for allowing it. I was angry, but I'm not any more. I'm not sad. I'm just tired of it. I still want to move forward on a positive note with my life. The old me would've let this berate and belittle me.

I'm beyond that now. My feelings are valid and I am worth someone else's consideration. I know it. Let the someone that let me down figure it out. For reasons I don't understand, I find that if I do maintain a "silent but distant" presence that I get results. So I don't argue much any more. I still get angry and frustrated because I think this person's emotional IQ is that of a dirt clod.

It wasn't always this way, but I think I've been taken for granted. I know I have. Perhaps when I go out of town next week, they can reflect upon this. Sometimes I wish I had the intestinal fortitude to treat people as they've treated me. At times my thoughts have been very cruel when treated that way. But I can't seem to lash out...maybe I should just to purge it out of my system. But my passive-aggressive nature won't allow me to.

I'm still seeing a therapist and that does help. I just need to move forward and I'm going to. As Barney Fife would say, "Nip it." That's what I need to do. I think Eminem said it best by "Cleaning Out My Closet". I'm starting that today. Well at least it's Friday! Thanks for listening. I'll be back soon.

 

Me

Well, today's not been that bad. It's went by quick. There's still issues of trust I contend with here, but I still have strong faith that I won't be in this office much longer. I'm not worried. I don't feel that negativity gnawing at me any more. I can't explain it because the 'old me' would be nervous and worried at work and sullen at home. I'm neither. Just calm and collected. I'm so glad it's this way.

I'm going to be getting a couple of pumpkins for my porch today or tomorrow. I have a small 'fall ensemble' going. I got to see my brother and niece yesterday. My sister in law once again was a no-show. I decided to just let well enough alone. As long as I see my brother and my niece and nephew, I am fine. I've not did a thing to her, so if she comes around- she does.

I feel the same way about my inlaws. They claim to be Christians yet she can lie outright to her son and make no effort at all to stay in touch. I hate it for my husband as I know it hurts him. I've decided I will invest time in those who reciprocate it. Don't let the rest bother me and move forward. Life's too short to beg for someone's time. So I'm not going to any more. I'm not mad at all; just facing facts.

Life's good otherwise. The weather is cooling down finally and I love it. Highs in the 70's and lows near 50. It's great. This weekend we have our annual Apple Festival. Our town grows by 5 fold for a weekend and we have food, music, crafts, etc. It'll be crowded but fun. You always ee someone you know there...never fails. But that is what's great about living in a small town.

Well, I'm gonna go for now. Just checking in. I'm so thankful that things are looking differently to me now. I think I'll get more accomplished if I keep a positive attitude. Well, here's to staying positive. Talk to you later!

Me

The work week is nearly over and I have never been so glad. We've all been busy as this is the end of our dept.'s fiscal year. We have a co-worker and a secretary under investigation for fraud. Their computer towers were taken a week ago. The co-worker got a loaner and is actually working. Meanwhile, my boss had asked for our computer passwords and that clearly violates a written agreement we sign off on when becoming employed with the state. I didn't give mine. I need my job. Somehow anonymously, investigations got wind of this and came to talk to my boss today. It's a strange place to be that is for certain. I've just kept busy and 'played dumb'. It works well in situations like these. Other than that, I am fine. A little more tired than usual, but otherwise fine. I'm hoping my husband finally gets the dishwasher complete to where we can use it. I don't get my hopes up though. I need to work on other things in the house tonight, but I doubt that I will as I am wiped out. But such is life. I still am not worried any more about the job. I think I'll be finding something and finding it sooner than I think. I'll just keep "grinding at the bit". Here's to continued 'positive thinking'. Thanks for listening.

 

Me

Well, negativity has tried to take me and hasn't yet. I'm working hard on moving on from this job. I can't wait. I feel I'm very qualified for a Secretary post at the VA which is 20 min from home vs. the 1hr and 5min commute I have now. The start pay is just as much as I make now. It would be busy, but I think I would welcome the change from social work. I love people contact, but the demands can be taxing at times. I've been trying to use affirmations to keep positive and that seems to help keep my morale up. Things are looking up for me. I've not felt this peaceful in years. I know this positive change will happen. I've made it a point to make sure everything is in place. I believe it will happen sooner than later. I've already applied for 6 posts in 1 wk. If I can keep that volume up, I figure that someone will give me a chance. I did already get shut down for 2, but I must admit applying for them was an act of desperation and I'm glad it happened. I've not let on a thing to my boss and I think it bugs her. But I'm going to keep my head down and work for the duration while I am here. That way no one suspects a thing. I realize now that I allowed certain people to emotionally defeat me. I'm capable. I'm smart. I have excellent people skills and I'm not afraid of learning something new. I love working with people and am not afraid to work. I know I have talents like everyone else despite how I've been made to feel. I'm an assett and not a liability. I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent human being with a good heart. I feel bad that I allowed negative people to nearly break me. But no more. I'm on the way to bigger and better things. Life is good. Walk by faith and not by sight as God does provide... and he will. I must go now. The day is ending. Have a good one!

 

Love,

Me

Well, I went to the much-dreaded meeting. I lucked up and got to sit in with another group and got out quickly. But my group has been in Johnson City the entire day. For some reason, the regional super wanted to speak to them individually. She didn't ask that of me when I was there. Doesn't sound good, does it?

I discovered I'm being passed around to a 3rd secretary and rumor has it that she's going to be really pissed about it. I wasn't a slave driver with the one I have. I love her. She's been honest, helpful and efficient. I appreciate her a lot. I just have the "red headed stepchild" syndrome. I'm not quite here but not there either. I think that's just one more confirmation that I don't belong here.

It doesn't bother me any more. I know I'll find work doing something somewhere eventually. I've had the sick feeling that I'm in trouble. Can't think of what for though. Call it being paranoid, but I've been burnt too many times in my duration here. My guard is up. I know who can and can not be trusted. And this too shall pass....

I hope I'm not in trouble. We have another meeting here tomorrow and I imagine some of this stuff may carry over. I swear I hate drama. I have managed to get a lot of good work done today. It's been nice and quiet and Suzie and I have had a nice day. I guess it's to soften the blow for tomorrow. I don't know. I know I should have more faith in this place, but I've been let down too many times and just can't seem to do that.

Other than that, things are going ok. I'm walking again and trying to be somewhat active. That does seem to help. I tell ya I need something because last night I was up until 2am because of dread of coming here. I shouldn't let it get to me like that, but what else do ya do when the boss won't tell you what the meeting is about and that there's good and bad and she "thinks" the good "might" outweigh the bad. I hate all this cryptic mind-game crap.

It was fun when I was 14, but I just don't have time for it now. Gosh, I shound hateful today. I really don't mean to. There are good things going on my way. Things are looking up. I just can't let anyone destroy those thoughts for me. No matter what. So that's about it for now. I'll keep you posted.

Well, another day of thinking 'out loud'...sort of. I am anxiously awaiting a letter from another dept. to interview for a job closer to home. I've not said a word to my boss and won't do so until I get contacted, but there are several openings, so it's just about a given that I'll at least interview.

I've discovered that I won't be able to stay in VR more than likely. The super in JC lied about a position she had open and I know she interviewed a few people for it. That tells me not only does she not want me for that post, but she's not going to allow me to come to Johnson City. I guess I "stirred up too much trouble" while there. But it did answer a prayer and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm not bothered at the thought of not staying in VR any more. At first it did, but now I'm ok with it. I still get nervous every morning coming over here. I've been in this job a year and thought I'd be over that by now, but things are different here.

I've did a lot of soul searching lately. My mood isn't where I'd like it to be yet, but I'm not sleeping 10 hrs a night now either. I've been praying a lot and asking for guidance. I've been trying to be faithful in believing this move will happen and be patient as well. It's not easy, but I'm trying.

I actually feel pretty peaceful about everything right now. God blessed us with a dishwasher that was given to us. He also blessed my husband with new tires that cost only the equivalent of what one would cost in the store. So that was HUGE. My friend's boyfriend and all parties in the car accident Friday were unhurt as well. So, that was another blessing.

My boss will not be returning to the office until Thurs. so I don't have to worry about her eavesdropping on me for any reason (yeah, she does that). She tries to do what I call "secret surveilance" but isn't as discreet as she thinks she is with it. Here lately she's been acting weird too. There's something awry in Nashville and somehow our office is drug into it. My paranoid self is a little concerned, but I keep telling myself that I won't be here much longer to worry about it.

Things at home are ok. That's all they are. I've learned to tolerate Mark and his obsession with the video game. I've learned to tolerate his negligence of our relationship and things he needs to be doing at home. I just don't have any fight in me left to care. I just deal with it. He at least senses my irateness with him, but his efforts are waning at best.  I guess my feelings toward him are indifferent. I wonder if all married people do this?

I was happy to know that a friendship that I thought might be going awry isn't. I talked to my friend a few days ago and it was wonderful. I don't get to see her much as we work in different cities. But I think of her often. She was my mentor in my previous job. She's doing well, but really busy. Her husband had back surgery and recouping quite well, but it takes time to do everything since the dr. still has him under restrictions for lifting and bending. So, hearing from her was another prayer answered.

God is working all around me. I see it and I think he just wanted to reassure me that he is doing as much. My faith in God is strong. It's my faith in myself that is not too good. I'm learning to address that though. My next appointment w/the therapist is next Monday. I still haven't heard from the psychiatrists that I called yet. We shall see.

Right now, things are better than they were. I have a lot of work to do in order to get where I'd like to be. It will take time. I've opened up a little to one of my friends and my sister-in-law, but that's minimal. I prefer to keep it that way for now. Mark doesn't have a clue. It's just much easier to deal w/my inner demons w/o his knowledge.

He's there for me physically, but is very lacking in the emotional department.  He gets it honest. His mother can't even manage to call him once a month. They live in the same town less than 5 minutes apart. Mark hasn't done a thing to her. If anything, when in need, he's been there. He's never asked a thing out of her other than to act like his mother and she claims she's too busy to do that.

I know it's bound to hurt him, but like most men he won't show it. But she claims to be Christian and what not, but for reasons I don't know she chooses to close us both out. She has a bad tendency around the holidays to go all "June Cleaver" and act like nothing's wrong. She'll do her annual soirees and invite us and put on "good face" and then after Christmas it's right back to square one.

Unless Mark insists upon it, I don't plan on playing "the Cleaver game" with her. I figure if she can't muster up the time to call her son during the year, we don't need to indulge her during the holidays. Just my opinion, doesn't mean anything though. Well, enough on that subject. I've vented enough. With all this said, progress is being made. It's slow, but it's happening. Things will improve, I just need to believe more.

Thanks for listening. Hopefully my next report will be better than this one. I'll keep you posted.

 

Love,

Me

This week had started off roughly, but oddly enough I have experienced things that I don't thing are sheer coincidence. I went to a therapist this week. She was nice enough. We began on working on my family history, stressors, etc. She stated she felt I should make myself do things I tend to enjoy even if I don't think I feel like it. She said to try one thing a week and just see how that goes. So I am. She also said she wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist. I'm working on that as well. I left there indifferent, but headed on to Wal-Mart.

I ran into what was one of my best clients when I worked in my home town. She looked slimmer and was smiling "ear to ear". I asked her how she was and she said "Great." I asked what was great in her life and she proceeded to tell me that she'd lost 60 lbs, come off of all of her medicines and was getting ready to go to work. She said she'd prayed over it and put her faith in a 'higher power' and things just started happening. I was elated for her and my first thought walking away was, "God put her in my path for a reason. Don't know what that is yet, but there was a reason."

I thought about it long after our meeting. Well, this morning I ran into another client with wonderful news. We talked about how far she'd come and I told her how proud I was of her accomplishments. (Now keep in mind, these 2 women I speak of don't know each other at all) She began to tell me how she prayed over it and put her faith in a "higher power". It was almost a direct quote of the first lady. It has sent chills through me. Two people, one week, same joy. No, that isn't irony. That has given me new hope.

I still don't know 100% what God's message to me is in that, but I'm changed by it. I feel hope. For the first time in a long time, I feel optimistic about life. I feel God will make a way. So today, my worries and burdens are no longer mine. I'm giving them to God. I know he will provide and he does answer prayers. I just can't get over the great way he's revealed himself. I appreciate it. I can't wait to see what happens next!

What I wouldn't give to be able to lie down and sleep the rest of the day! I'm exhausted from nothing but clinical depression. Sleep is my only escape, but I did manage to set up an appt. with a therapist on Monday. My head says this is a good move, but my soul could not care less. That sounds horrible I know, but I don't know how to describe the specifics of what I'm experiencing right now.

I'm sad, but numb. I can't muster up a single tear. Why? I have no idea. I feel trapped w/in my job and that I'll never get closer to home. I feel alone even when others are present. I find peace only when I sleep. I dream of places far and away and I feel calm and happy. I can't seem to find anything close to that in my waking hours. I've only told one person here as she's gone through something similar and I trust her not to tell anyone else. But I haven't gone into great detail. It's just easier that way.

I'm having trouble concentrating on my work or any task. I'm in such a fog. I've not taken a thing other than what my dr. prescribes me and I'm not one to abuse my meds.. although I see why folks do that. It will take power far greater than what I have to climb across this hurdle. It's strange. I kind of have an idea as to how my mother felt prior to her hospitalization. She was numb.

The only difference is she wanted to die and I don't. I couldn't put my family and friends through what Mom put us through. It was hell and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I don't wish to die, but I get why people do. It makes sense to me that one would want to seek a permanent escape. Who wants to live like this all of the time? Not one soul. No, not one...

Well, God saw fit I live to see another anniversary of my father's passing. It's now been 3 yrs. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like the only person that "got me" is forever gone. I don't talk to my other family members like I did him. I just didn't think they could handle it or wanted to hear it. Now I'm left with one-sided conversations with him and an emptiness that can't be described.

Part of me would love to feel good again and be out enjoying life, the other part of me thinks it's just not worth the effort. I manage to do the "bare minimum" with what is required of me at work and home, but that's about all that is getting done.

I've prayed to God about this. He knows where I stand, but here I am. I say little to family and friends. I get on my own nerves saying it, so I can't imagine now nerve racking it is to hear it from me. So, I put on my "happy face" and don't let on. It's getting harder to do though. It seems like each day it takes more and more effort... or maybe that is just everything I do... I'm not certain at this point.

I've got 4 more hours before I can get in my car and drive home for the day. It's been the longest day. I'm trying to give the illusion that I'm busy anyhow. Oy! I only want to see 4:30 get here. I hate it here. Ab-so-lute-ly hate it! Lord help me.